Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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