My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
