Can i not drive my cunt home
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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