Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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