From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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