What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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