i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
