my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
