Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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