my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
