you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
