turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
