My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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