You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
