At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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