Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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