Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
