I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
