I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize