I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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