I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
