i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
