new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
