we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
