Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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