I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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