no, he came in my armpit
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
