I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
