Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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