Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
