I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
