I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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