a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
