kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
