remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
