Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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