Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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