I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
