If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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