i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
