She is in my trunk
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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