the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
