I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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