I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
