Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize