A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
