i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
