I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We have so much sex to catch up on
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
