Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize