I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
