I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
