i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
