finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize