Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
