i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
