New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
