It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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