This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are the jesus of drinking
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
