If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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