Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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