Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
