What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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