if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
